Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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