Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
