i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
