I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
