i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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