I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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