I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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