So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I want a musical about memes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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