i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
