you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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