Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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