forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
