dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
please come you make the beer taste better
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
