just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
