my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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