pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
