We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
