Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
