It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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