She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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