Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
