My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
last night I used snow as a chaser
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
