with your own penis?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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