Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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