I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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