i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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