OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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