i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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