Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
