I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
