he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Is it because I queefed?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
