Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
