I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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