I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
