So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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