Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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