I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
