i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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