I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
