the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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