Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
