I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
