How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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