sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
