I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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