i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
