I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
