I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize