ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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