At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we're making bets on your personal life
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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