It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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