weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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