Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
