i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
