my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
